Anne B. Walsh - Do you believe in magic?
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Anne's Randomness

Important days

I am too lazy to actually go and look, but I think it has been approximately a year since I got this website started, and this blog along with it. I may be very off, and if I am, then you, O readers, can enjoy a chuckle up your sleeves at my inability to remember dates. I'm always happy to provide you entertainment, even inadvertent.
 
A far more important date is coming up -- the tenth anniversary of the Dangerverse, by which I have said multiple times that I would have the main story completed. I'm not backing down from this, not even modifying it, but I am stating that it may be harder for me to handle than I had previously thought. But life is like that sometimes. (Warning: unpleasantness, if not actual rant, ahead. Read at own risk.)  
 
What I forgot to take into account is my pattern with anything big, enjoyable, and important that I do. I have big bursts of energy at the beginning, and periodically throughout as I get my second wind, and third, and fourth, and fifth, and so on. But as I start to near the end, and pretty much always once whatever-it-is finishes, I get what my mother calls "letdown".
 
Most people grow out of their bad habits from childhood, don't they? Not me. Mine have only gotten worse with time. And this is one of the worst I could imagine. Once I no longer have the constant emotional input of doing whatever I was doing, the emotional crutch if you will, I turn whiny, self-deprecating, and generally unpleasant to everyone around me. (Why, look! It's already happening!)
 
Any big emotional event can trigger a letdown in me. I don't like surprise parties, or really any kind of party at all, because of the inevitable aftermath. In fact, I try to avoid anything exciting or stimulating, anything I would really strongly enjoy, because I know that the session of disgust, displeasure, shame, and exhaustion afterwards will be so much worse than any pleasure I got from the event. And oh yes, did I mention, the longer the event lasts, the worse and longer-lasting the letdown?
 
Thus, as I approach the ending of the Dangerverse, I find myself wishing -- for my own sake only, mind -- that I had never begun it. Perhaps I should also mention that my emotions take note of only those facts they happen to like at the moment. So the facts that many people like my stories and have been influenced for the better by them? Not important. All I can see, in this mood, is everything I've done badly. And trust me, there is OH SO MUCH of that.
 
And so, you have the tale of a life which, if not wholly wasted, will surely not be lived to its full potential. Of a heart which cannot conceive of truthful compliments, and so spends all its time picking apart everything kind said to it, looking for the hidden slam. Of a person who spends a great deal of her time wishing, very fervently, that she were someone else, anyone else, because at least other people have the refuge of the inside of their own minds. But hey. Life's not fair and never was.
 
My usual "thanks for reading" doesn't quite seem to cut it today. How about, I'm deeply sorry that you had to sit through that, and if I weren't too tired to come up with something else for a blog post today I'd erase every word of it? But I am, so I'm not. More writing as soon as I can find the energy. See you Thursday. I hope.

8 Comments to Important days:

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erebor452 on Tuesday, September 30, 2014 11:41 AM
You are not alone in experiencing let down. I don't think it's something that can be classified as a bad habit, as it's certainly not something that I imagine you do intentionally or for enjoyment. Once you start feeling bad or lazy or disappointed in yourself for feeling bad, you've started down an extremely slippery slope-- one that gets steeper as you find yourself feeling bad for feeling bad (for feeling bad...) and on and on. I struggle with this myself (dissertation projects are particularly prone to this, according to an informal poll of my fellow students) and I haven't yet found or heard of a solution to it, but I've found many, many things that are utterly not helpful, and one of them is self-punishment. And when the form of that self-punishment snakes into unrelated areas of life-- e.g., I don't deserve to spend time doing something relaxing or frivolous because I didn't do x, y or z-- it can start to really hurt you, physically as well as mentally. I stopped cooking at one point, because I love cooking and since I couldn't finish my assigned work, I didn't deserve to do it. As a result, I also stopped eating well, which left me less able to do things, which made me punish myself further. It took a complete change of environment to break that cycle-- it's a very subtle trap. So. Speaking as a reader of your works and someone who's going through this herself: deadlines are good and helpful tools for motivation and goal-setting, but please don't punish yourself for not meeting them. You are allowed to feel bad. You are allowed to vent your frustrations and feelings-- especially when you preface them so clearly with warnings, but this applies even if you post a rant out of the blue. Neither of these things in any way diminishes your worth as a person, your talents as a writer or musician, or your strength of character. In fact, it says a whole lot about your bravery that you're willing to talk about it at all, let alone in a semi-public space with semi-permanent archiving. Most of us won't say a darn thing about it, even privately, and as a result, a lot of us suffer thinking that we're the only ones who feel this way and everybody else is managing better than us, clearly we're somewhat defective, etc., etc., when in reality a lot of those other people are simply very good at faking it. Hang in there, and I hope it gets better for you.
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Carole on Tuesday, September 30, 2014 8:44 PM
Ah, this places some of the comments over on FB in perspective. I wish there was a way for you to feel how awed I am at your talent with stories and words. Some people can tell stories, and some use words well (but do not have good plots). You, my dear, are one of those rare gems that can do both (puts me in mind of Anne McCaffrey). With this in mind, it amazes me that you continue to share your wonderful stories with all of us. We'll continue to hope that you can take some joy in our responses to your creations, both fanfic and otherwise.
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Natasha on Tuesday, September 30, 2014 8:52 PM
We love you. Depression sucks.
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NotACat on Wednesday, October 01, 2014 1:39 AM
"Better out than in", as Hagrid said about Ron's slugs, and as the Pack most certainly would say! Haven't you spent the last ten years showing us the benefits of airing one's feelings in an appropriate space? There's nothing wrong in that: it would probably harm you more to hold them inside, festering away. Oh, and you're looking for a "hidden slam" in anything I might say? When did I ever hide my slamming? Not exactly the master of subtlety, I don't thinkā€¦
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Haminac on Wednesday, October 01, 2014 10:40 AM
Oh dear... I know these letdowns since I never grew out of them either, but to read it from another person like this makes me pity my beloved ones who usually deal with that state of my mind so much deeper. Usually when it happens to me I realize how silly I sound when I put the thoughts out of my head either spoken or written, but maybe this doesn't happen to you, I don't know. "Silly" in this case I do not use to belittle your sorrows or moods, but is tried to be used "objective" and "rational" here in this context if that makes any sense to you. Anyway I will keep up trying to say nice things even if your heart picks them apart. Mother always accused me of being to optimistic for this world ;] After the Dangerverse is finished the world will still revolve around the sun, days and nights will continue to happen and all of that OH-SO-MUCH done wrong will be past. Maybe it will feel good, maybe it will be making no difference to your mood, but it will be a huge letdown compared with the fuss you are now making about it if my experience is any kind of measure for this. I'm not sure if this is helping though, so I try to put it more kindly: I am sure this feeling you have now will pass and it would be a shame if you let yourself be so dragged down by it that you don't continue/finish the Dangerverse. Therefore I sincerely wish to you that these emotions will pass (as emotions usually do) and be replaced by nicer, more writing-inducing ones. Meanwhile I will try to find those Pom-poms I let lying around here some while ago. I'm sure they must be somewhere... over th.... *mumbles on as walking into the virtual off*
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great;akesmolly on Thursday, October 02, 2014 4:47 PM
Thank you (and I mean that truly) for the insight. I am sorry that something that gives so much pleasure to others is so painful to you. It is harder for you because you carry so much of the pain yourself. Not because you don't have people who care for you, but because this is part of you too intimate for friends or even relatives to truly understand. Maybe another writer would get it... I'm hoping that you feel better soon.
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longtimeReader on Friday, October 03, 2014 6:00 PM
Even if you wish you'd never started the Dangerverse. I'm very glad you did. The stories of the Pack have started so much in me, I can't help but imagine that I would have been a very different person if your stories hadn't been there with me, helping me grow. I can prrhaps name on one hand the things that have changed quite as much as the Pack has.
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Adam on Monday, October 13, 2014 8:14 AM
You wrote a piece of fiction. So it ended. That happens. Think about the people you met. About the people you treated well. The people you treated badly. The people who gave you presents. The people whom you gave presents. The people are what make things worthwhile. I can name so many people who have tons of respect for you, whether you deserve it or not... because they believe you do. It's totally up to you what you do with people. Maybe the Pack imploded because in the end, people cared more about cliques than being together. Maybe it imploded because Pack wanted a state of being that was impossible. Who can say? Who really cares anymore? Pack was and still is, nothing. It was always the people. Reach out to those people. Every one of them, no matter what they did, where they are. You'd be surprised at how much can change.
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